


Through the Pain (I'll Hold You Tight)

by SamJoinedtheReconCorps



Series: Water and Fire (and Steam) [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Apologies, Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Campaign 2, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fjord is there to give him one, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post episode 18, i'm soft for them okay, spoilers for Caleb's Backstory, the mighty nein - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 15:40:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20744618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamJoinedtheReconCorps/pseuds/SamJoinedtheReconCorps
Summary: What if Fjord knew about what had happened to Caleb too? What if it wasn't just Nott and Beau who found out?or, Fjord knows something is bothering Caleb, and all he wants to do is make sure he's okay - and make things right after he messed up.





	Through the Pain (I'll Hold You Tight)

**Author's Note:**

> this has taken me like 4 nights to write like bruh i ran into some bumps because I just wasn't sure how sad to make it but here I am and here it is I just love them and it hurt my heart what happened at the Richter's place but then my heart broke WHEN CALEB OPENED UP LIKE FUCK MAN I DIDN'T EXPECT THAT
> 
> and so this was born because Caleb deserves all the support in the world and Fjord just wants to make sure Caleb is okay

Nott was still apologizing profusely for having lost a silver piece in King’s Vault by the time she and Caleb could see the rest of the party. The group was laughing as they strolled along, seemingly throwing most of their playful jabs at Fjord, who for some reason was covered in dust. He trailed a step or two behind the group as he shook the dirt off his clothes, shooting a not-so-menacing glare at Beau for something she seemed to have said.

“I won a strawberry,” Mollymauk grins as soon as they get within earshot.

Beau points behind them. “Fjord can’t throw,” she laughs in lieu of an explanation to why the half orc was covered in dirt and dust.

There was another half-hearted glare from Fjord, and Caleb knew that he was missing something, but decided to keep with the light atmosphere. “Did you,” he began, a small smile curling the corner of his lips, “have a different kind of dream?”

Fjord looks up at Caleb from his armor, expression nothing short of exasperated as he continues brushing the dust off himself. “N-” he paused, a split second thing that was easy to overlook. “No,” he breathed out.

( _ But Caleb didn’t overlook it. _ )

(And Fjord didn’t overlook the way Caleb was smiling either. It caught him off guard, like a suckerpunch, and gods did it feel good to be able to see that smile again.)

Just as quickly as it’d come, Caleb was turning away from him, turning to Jester and everyone else.

(Leaving Fjord to watch, just a second too long, before going back to cleaning his clothes.)

* * *

The Victory Pit went off surprisingly well for their first go, and, as some of the winners, they had all been invited to the afterparty. It should have been all fun, easygoing festivities to help unwind after the battles, but instead they were more or less gathering intel on the news of the declaration of war against Xhorhas that Nott overheard.

It made for a definite damper on the Harvest Close revelries. But still, they had to get as much information as possible to decide how best to go from there.

Which was why Yasha and Beau had gone off to talk to the people that the Starosta had pointed out. Fjord watched them go, then made a small mental note, counting off everyone else in the group. Molly and Nott were together, keeping to themselves a bit; Jester was chatting people up near the Starosta, always a few steps away but close enough to eavesdrop on the Starosta’s conversations; and Caleb -

Fjord shook his head when he caught sight of Caleb sitting a little ways away, close to where Yasha and Beau had gone off to. His eyes had gone completely white, and, sure enough. as Fjord took a quick glance at Yasha and Beau, there was Frumpkin hiding behind Yasha’s legs.

(But even as he shook his head, Fjord couldn’t fight off his smile. Of  _ course _ , Caleb had thought of that, the brilliant, brilliant man.)

Caleb’s expression was the same silent concentration it always was when he was seeing through Frumpkin, and Fjord made another quick scan around the room to make sure no one had noticed Caleb before he started to casually make his way over to his friend.

He was a little more than halfway across the room when Caleb suddenly flinched, his eyes reverting to their bright blue for a second before they were shrouded in white again. But now, instead of there being that little crease between his brows that betrayed his concentration, he looked completely blank. There was no emotion on his face. No movement, no twitch, nothing - he was motionless. Fjord slowed to a stop, suddenly afraid that maybe Caleb wasn’t even breathing.

(And Fjord couldn’t get closer fast enough, simultaneously terrified of what he’d find when he finally got to Caleb and terrified that he would be getting to him too little too late.)

But then there it was, a shuddery breath, just the ghost of movement that made his chest rise and fall, yet still no change in his expression. It was as if he’d shut down, with just the basest function running.

(That rise and fall though, Fjord’s worst fear rose and fell with that, dissipated until it remained as a gnawing worry about what was going on with Caleb.)

Fjord takes a step towards Caleb, but pauses again, suddenly unsure. What if he startled Caleb and made things worse? What if this was just how he got when he was really,  _ really _ focused on seeing through Frumpkin? The last thing Fjord wants to do is make things worse, especially after -

(He stomps out that train of thought. Dwelling on it will only make him feel worse.)

(And yet Fjord can’t stop thinking about the High Richter’s house, about how quickly he pulled the falchion on Caleb, how he could feel the whisper of  _ PROVOKE  _ and  _ CONSUME  _ clouding his mind, skewing his judgement, pushing him to push his blade closer to the soft skin of Caleb’s throat.)

The memory makes Fjord physically shrink away from it, feeling ashamed and angry at himself all at the same time. He looks over at Caleb, sees the quick rise and fall of his chest and the way he seems to be even paler in his motionlessness as he continues to see through his familiar, and decides that maybe it would be best to just watch out for him. Just stay and watch, make sure nothing gets too close, but keep some space from him too. He doesn’t want to scare Caleb any more than he already has.

(Just thinking about how much he probably scared him when he threatened him with his falchion makes his stomach turn.)

But the least he can do is make sure Caleb stays safe while he’s sensing through Frumpkin. And after a minute or two more, Caleb’s back, his blue eyes suddenly flashing back as he quickly leaned forward and stared at the ground. Fjord glanced past Caleb in time to see the two men Yasha and Beau had been talking to walking away, heading towards their direction as they left the festivities.

They had left the building, but Caleb stared at the ground for a beat or two more before he glanced up, his eyes catching Fjord’s. They were such a bright shade of blue compared to the milky white his eyes had been before that it would have startled Fjord had he not been expecting it.

(Fjord had been expecting it though. He had memorized the color of Caleb’s eyes not too long ago.)

What he hadn’t expected was the haunted look in them. Caleb looked  _ scared _ , and Fjord knew it had nothing to do with the Richter’s house. That haunted look had a heaviness that spoke of years in the making.

(It made Fjord’s blood run cold, his stomach twisting itself in worry and his heart clenched painfully in his chest.)

Caleb dropped his gaze, turning back to stare at the ground.

( _ He didn’t want Fjord to see him like that, didn’t want him to notice and ask questions, because with that earnest look of his that was so heartbreakingly worried, Caleb just might tell him the truth.) _

* * *

After heading out for the night - and with the blessing from the Starosta that allowed them access to the Tri-Spires - they had decided to bed down at the Pillow Trove. It seemed like a waste to gain easy access to that part of the city and not use it before they left Zadash sometime tomorrow.

They were all heading toward the fancy inn, talking and laughing now that the guards had no reason to try and kick them out. Fjord was listening to whatever Nott was telling Jester when he heard Caleb quietly say, “Excuse me, apologies.”

Glancing back, he could see that Caleb had pulled Beau back a little, letting the group go on ahead without them. He had started to slow down a bit, not wanting to leave them behind.

( _ I will fucking leave both of you here,  _ he’d growled, and that guilty pit in his stomach widened, threatening to swallow him whole.)

“So what do you think the room service will be like, Fjord?” Nott asked, startling him away from looking at Caleb.

“Er - um - great?” he lamely answered with a small shrug.

She gave him a knowing look, her eyes darting past him before she gave Fjord one last pointed glance, then she turned back to Jester. “Do you think there’ll be cookies?”

Fjord knew what she was getting at. Caleb clearly wanted privacy, and they were both going to let him have it.

“Oh, oh, and I’m sure they’ll have milk too!” Jester grinned.

Giving Caleb one last glance, Fjord turned to match Nott and Jester’s pace. “Just make sure you don’t get  _ too _ room service happy. We don’t want the whole bakery ordered up to your room.”

“But wouldn’t that be so cool!” she gushed.

They fell into easy conversation for the rest of the walk, and it wasn’t long before Beau and Caleb were catching up to them right outside the Pillow Trove.

Fjord peeked down when he felt Caleb come to walk beside him, but seeing the dark expression on his face and the slight tremble to his hands kept Fjord from saying anything.

(But in the back of his mind, all he was thinking about is talking to him later. Make sure he’s okay.)

(Make sure that Caleb knows Fjord’s got his back.)

(And make sure Caleb knows Fjord won’t lose control again.)

They walked into the Pillow Trove, taking in the beautiful interior as they headed towards the reception desk to book their rooms.

( _ He was glad Fjord didn’t pull away when he moved to stand beside him. And even though it twisted his stomach in knots, he was glad there was someone strong enough to take him out if he ever lost control. _ )

( _ And kind enough to keep him safe even though he didn’t deserve it. _ )

* * *

As soon as the masseuses walked into the room with their fruit platter, Fjord and Caleb were both on their feet, Caleb grabbing his bag and Fjord taking an apple from the platter.

“Godspeed,” Fjord said, giving Molly a salute as he stepped past the masseuses and out the door, holding it open so Caleb could slip out too.

Molly only raised an arm to wave at them as they shut the door behind them.

“That Molly sure knows how to ‘relax’,” Fjord sighed with a quiet laugh, turning to Caleb. But he wasn’t there. He’d probably already found his way to everyone else to hang out with them until Molly was all done.

(He tried to ignore the pang of disappointment that he couldn’t get some time alone with Caleb, just a little bit of time before they joined everyone else.)

(Tried and failed. He really would have liked to get some time alone with Caleb.)

Feeling a little lost and not knowing what to do, Fjord decided to just sit outside his room. Hopefully Molly wouldn’t be too long.

Just then, some giggling could be heard coming from Molly’s room. Fjord felt himself blush, turning a darker shade of green. He knew he definitely didn’t want to overhear anything else.

The door next to his room opened a bit as Beau poked her head outside. “Pst,” she whispered, even though he had already turned when the door opened.

“‘Ey. How’s it - how you doin’?” he asked, trying to cover the sound of more giggling from inside the room.

“You’re - you’re in the most expensive hotel in a mi - in, uh, like a hundred miles and you’re in the hallway,” Beau pointed out.

“Yeah - yeah, yeah,” Fjord let out, shrugging a bit.

“That’s real fucking funny,” Beau quipped, leaning further out the door.

Fjord tried to keep the color from rising in his cheeks again. “Molly got a guy and a girl that walked in with food.”

Beau let out a snort of laughter. “D’you wanna - you wanna come in our room so you’re not in the hall?”

“Do you have people in there with food?” Fjord asked. He really didn’t want to know what Jester might come up after the books she’d been reading.

“I have Nott and Jester and then Jester has pastries,” Beau shrugged.

“And Yasha’s in here, too!” Jester called out from inside.

“We could order room service,” Beau mused, glancing back inside before turning back to Fjord. “You want to come in and order room service?”

“Yeah, that sounds fine,” Fjord quickly agreed. He figured Caleb was already inside the room with them anyway.

He followed Beau inside, seeing Jester sprawled out on the bed with Yasha and Nott sitting on the ground beside it. Yasha was quietly flipping through the pages of her book while Nott counted her buttons. Jester was dramatically retelling what had happened in the latest chapter of  _ Tusk Love _ , swooning loudly about Oskar and Guinevere’s love.

(But no Caleb.)

“And he told her she looked so beautiful in the moonlight! It was so romantic,” Jester finished, flipping over so she could see Fjord. She fluttered her eyelashes at him. “Hi, Fjord,” she cooed. “What are you doing in my room so late at night?”

Before Fjord could even come up with something to say to that, Beau had already balled up her jacket and tossed it at Jester. “Quit being all weird or I’ll take the book away.”

“But then how will I find out if they end up together!” Jester exclaimed, sitting up and giving Beau some damn strong puppy eyes.

Beau seemed completely unimpressed. “No more projecting then.”

Jester frowned, but didn’t say anything else. Maybe if she had then Fjord may have missed Nott as she quietly whispered to herself, “Message received.”

“What?” Fjord asked, unsure if he had heard her correctly.

“Huh? Nothing - I didn’t say anything,” Nott quickly got out, glancing up before focusing intently on her buttons, as she began to pick them up.

“You said ‘Message received’,” both Yasha and Jester said, Yasha with merely a sideways glance in Nott’s direction while Jester rolled over to let her head hang near where Nott sat.

“I was practicing a neeeew catchphrase,” Nott explained, looking up at Jester.

Jester wrinkled her nose a little. “It’s weird.”

From the way Nott twiddled for fingers for a second it was clear she was getting flustered. “I was prac- that’s why I’m practicing.”

“You should try a different one,” Jester suggested just as Fjord shook his head and said, “You need to workshop it some more.”

“I kind of like it,” Beau shrugged. “I don’t know. Like you hit someone -”

“Yeah, you hit somebody -” Nott nodded enthusiastically, standing up.

And Beau struck a pose just as Nott did and they both exclaimed, “Message received!”

Everyone burst out laughing at how ridiculously in sync they were.

(Although Fjord knew it would have been much better if Caleb had been there to see it and laugh with them too.)

(Caleb had such a nice laugh, warm and soft and so, so rare to hear.)

Beau grinned down at Nott. “Yeah, that’s great. I’m kind of into it.”

“It’s a little heady,” Nott admitted in between laughs.

“Yeah, yeah,” Beau agreed. “You have to unpack in the moment.”

Nott continued smiling. “Yeah,” she nodded, letting her laughter subside. “Um, hey, uh, you know what? Did you order the room service yet?” Nott asked, turning to Jester.

Jester shook her head. “We just said that we should, we haven’t put in an order yet.”

“Maybe me and Beau should go deliver the order downstairs,” Nott suggested.

Fjord glanced over at Beau, saw the way her eyebrows rose when Nott volunteered her to go as well.

“Oh, okay,” Jester nodded, sitting back up on the bed.

“I mean, yeah,” Beau said, leaning against the door.

(Fjord had almost hoped that Beau would have declined so he could have volunteered instead. Maybe he could have seen Caleb and he and Nott could have brought him back up with them.)

“Yes,” Jester nodded some more. “Tell them we want cookies and milk for sure.”

“A rat,” Yasha added.

“Oh!” Nott squeaked. “We didn’t eat our rats yet!”

“Well, we can get them here and then save those for another -” Yasha began.

“You should save those for when we’re traveling,” Jester finished for her.

“They, I mean, they’ll die!” Nott frowned. She pulled out the small box they were in. “Should we - should we toast now?”

Yasha paused for a second before nodding. “Well, yeah, I am pretty hungry.”

“But Yasha likes to cook hers, remember?” Jester reminded Nott as Nott passed a rat over to Yasha.

“You don’t like to cook yours?” Yasha asked, cocking her head to the side.

“Uh, no,” Nott admit quietly.

Fjord wondered if Nott had eaten rats frequently when it had just been her and Caleb on the road scavenging for scraps and stealing to get by.

(It made his chest ache to think about how many nights they must have gone to bed on an empty stomach, just the two of them against the world.)

(But now they were with the Mighty Nein, and they were going to take care of them. Fjord would make sure of it.)

“Nott, that’s,” Yasha stopped as she seemed to find the right word. “Crazy,” she finally said. “I mean I’ll try it but I feel like it’s much - do you want me to have them cook it? Have you ever had it cooked?”

“No,” Nott shook her head.

“With a little salt, little pepper?” Yasha asked again.

Nott shook her head again. “No.”

“I don’t know if they will cook rats here, though,” Jester told them, giving them an apologetic look.

Yasha looked confused. “No?”

Jester nodded. “Most of the - like the places that charge a lot of money for rooms don’t usually cook the rats. But they do have other animals that they’ll cook for you,” Jester added when she saw the way their expressions fell.

“What do they have?” Yasha asked.

“Probably like a cow, or like a deer, or like an owlbear or something -” Jester listed off.

Beau opened the door. “How about this,” she said, cutting into their back and forth, “we’ll tell them to just give us the chef’s choice. The special.”

The giggling from next door grew louder.

“Oh god,” Fjord groaned. “I can’t tell who that’s coming from.”

Hearing even more giggling - which this time sounded distinctly like Molly - Beau shook her head. “Oh god.” She gestured at Nott. “Come on, let’s go.”

Nott got up, extending her hand towards Yasha. “Here, gimme your rat and I’ll, I’ll - I’ll have them cook it and bring it back for you.”

“Yeah, we’re spending enough money on this place,” Beau said.

“Are you sure you won’t take it?” Yasha asked, giving Nott a suspicious look.

“I won’t eat your rat,” Nott assured her.

“Do you promise me?” Yasha said.

Nott gave her a suspicious look as well. “Do you promise not to kill me in my sleep because you’re a Xhorhasian spy?”

A smile spread across Yasha’s face.

“If I don’t eat your rat,” Nott continued. “You can’t kill me in my sleep because you’re a Xhorhasian spy.”

“Okay,” Yasha agreed, handing over the rat.

“All right, let’s go order some food,” Nott grinned as she and Beau walked out of the room. 

As soon as they left the room, Jester turned to Yasha and Fjord. “What do you guys want to do in the room now?”

( _ Get Caleb to join us here _ , Fjord thought.)

“Maybe you could show us how to play a card game?” Fjord said instead.

* * *

They had just started their third round of cards when Fjord heard someone whisper outside their room.

“He’s in room six,” the voice said.

Fjord paid it no mind, although a part of him felt that it had sounded familiar. And by paid it no mind, it just meant that he sat still for another five minutes before he couldn’t stand it anymore.

He put his cards down, moving to stand.

“Where are you going?” Jester asked, looking up at him.

“I’m, ah, going out,” Fjord said, point towards the door, “just for a quick minute.”

“Do you not want to play anymore?” Yasha added, and Jester’s expression dropped from the happy grin it had been seconds ago.

Fjord shook his head. “No - wait no, I mean, yes, I do want to play,” Fjord got out when he saw the way Jester’s lower lip wobbled a little. “I just thought I might invite the rest of the group, maybe even make friends with another guest or someone that works here and invite them to play too.”

Jester’s grin returned brighter than before. “That is a great idea, Fjord. We can make new friends! And since they’ll be here at the Pillow Trove, that means they’ll be rich!” She leaned closer to Yasha. “I can probably win some money off them, too.”

Yasha shrugged. “Well, hopefully I can get the rules down before you come back.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” Jester told her. “Here, let’s start a new game so I can explain the rules again.”

Fjord took his leave as the girls started setting up the cards again, giving them a small wave as he stepped outside. “Room six,” he murmured to himself. He walked down the hall, quickly finding the room.

He was just about to knock when he heard Caleb’s voice, saying something quietly. “Would you be willing to leave with me tomorrow if I asked you to?”

(Fjord felt his heart drop to the pit of his stomach as his chest caved in on itself. It suddenly felt very difficult to breathe.)

“Of course.” That was Nott. So they were making plans to split from the group.

“Just the two of us?” Caleb clarified.

“Absolutely. Right away. Whatever you want,” Nott answered, unwavering loyalty in how quickly she answered.

(Fjord wished he could claim to have such loyalty. But after what happened -)

(And yet, if Caleb had asked him the same thing, Fjord’s answer would have been identical to Nott’s. Without any hesitation.)

“But why?” she asked.

“Is the secret that valuable?” And that was Beau.

Fjord frowned. Now he was confused as to why they seemed to be including Beau in their planning to leave on their own.

There was a beat of silence before Caleb spoke up again. “I am going to tell you the story of how I murdered my mother and father.”

(And if Fjord’s heart had dropped to his stomach, now it was somewhere near his ankles. The crushing suffocation in his chest intensified, but he couldn’t bring himself to move.)

(He knew he shouldn’t listen, that this wasn’t something for him to hear.)

“When I was younger,” Caleb continued.

Fjord leaned closer to the door, holding his breath.

(And counting all his heartbeats in between Caleb’s pauses while he told his story.)

* * *

_ My mother’s name was Una. My father’s name was Leofric. _

_ I was bright and confident. _

(The past tense made Fjord’s heart hurt.)

_ Everyone talked about the Soltryce Academy, maybe I would go there someday. _

_ They don’t take all comers, they look for the diamond in the rough. _

_ But when I was a young man, adolescent, really, they found, uh, three of us. _

_ And uh - we were accepted. _

(The Soltryce Academy - where Fjord had wanted to go for so, so long. Of course someone as brilliant as Caleb had gone there.)

_ I met a - a man, uh, named Trent Ikithon. He became our teacher. _

(The man from earlier, one of the men Beau and Yasha had been talking to.)

_ We left the school proper and went with him, to a home out in the countryside where he trained us. _

_ He was cruel. He hurt us a lot. _

(Fjord’s fists clenched at his side, and he had to suppress the murderous growl that almost slipped out.)

_ I also fell in love - but that’s another story. _

(He hoped that was at least a bit of light in Caleb’s life during that time. He really truly hoped it was.)

_ It was the Empire over all, and eventually, he wanted to test our allegiance, and so strangers were brought in - traitors. _

(Fjord felt his breath catch in his throat.)

_ And we killed them. _

(He closed his eyes, kept himself as still as possible.)

_ So, a few months of this, of studying, of a little bit of torture, a little bit of, uh, murdering dissidents and traitors and deviants. _

_ We were ready to graduate, and the last test of our allegiance was - _

_ I went on a trip home and visited my parents. _

( _ No _ , Fjord begged.  _ Please, no. _ )

(But he already knew how this tragedy ended. Caleb had said it from the start.)

_ In the middle of the night, I awoke and overheard them talking, and went to the stair and listened to them talk about revolution and tearing the Empire down. _

_ I went back to the school and when the three of us were summoned and told what was expected of us, I knew what had to be done. _

(Fjord wanted to get into the academy, he wanted to get in and  _ consume _ .)

_ We went to this, uh, other boy’s home first, Eodwulf, and we stood by as he killed his parents. _

( _ Consume _ .)

_ We went to Astrid’s h-house, and, um, had dinner with them, and she poisoned them. _

( _ CONSUME. _ )

_ Then we went to my home, and we grabbed a horse cart, and, uh, in the middle of the night, uh, placed it against the door to the home and I set it on fire. _

(And just as quickly as it’d come, the ravenous rage evaporated, the whisper in his head falling silent.)

_ As soon as I heard, um, my mother and father screaming inside - _

(Just as quickly as it’d come, that rage was replaced with the overwhelming urge to wrap Caleb up in his arms.)

_ I broke a bit. _

(To hold him tight and keep all his pieces together.)

_ I went to, uh, an asylum for a number of years. _

_ I broke. _

(Fjord was breaking.)

_ Years later, um, a-a woman was there, and - and she, uh, another patient, and she put hands on me, and, uh, and she took the clouds away. _

_ She took it all away, and not just my, ah, madness, but, uh, the fake memories that Ikithon put in my head of my parents. _

( _ CONSUME. CONSUME. _ )

_ I’m a disgusting person. _

(Just hold him tight and help him see how brilliant and kind he was. How he wasn’t what they’d made him do.)

_ I, uh, pretended like nothing had changed for several weeks. _

_ I killed one of Trent’s people there, and took this. _

(There was silence for a few beats. Fjord couldn’t imagine what he was showing Beau and Nott.)

_ This has been keeping me hidden for years. For five years. _

_ They can find who they want, but not with this. They cannot find me. _

(Fjord would make sure they never,  _ ever,  _ found him.)

“I would really like to get into that library, because I would -” Caleb said.

“Like to run again?” Beau guessed.

“Hmm?” Caleb asked, probably checking if he’d heard Beau correctly. “No, uh - no.” There was a small pause. “No, I like you all.”

“You were just talking with Nott about running tomorrow,” Beau reminded him.

“Well that all depends on you, Beauregard,” Caleb said quietly.

Fjord had to strain to catch that.

“If I don’t let you in?” She asked.

“On if you can keep a secret,” Caleb answered.

Fjord stepped away from the door as if he’d been burned.

(If Caleb found out -  _ when  _ Caleb found out - he’d be hurt, he’d feel  _ betrayed again - _ )

(He’ll have hurt Caleb again.)

Fjord turned quickly and made his way back to the room with Yasha and Jester, slipping in as quietly as possible.

“You’re back!” Jester grinned, waving Fjord over to sit down with them again. “Did you make new friends?”

“I, uh,” Fjord began, remembering what he’d told them before he’d left. He shrugged, trying to keep his expression sheepish and not give any hint about what he’d heard. “ I couldn’t find anyone. Sorry, Jester.”

“It’s alright,” she said, dealing out some cards for him. “You can play with us, and when Beau and Nott come back they can play too. They might even bring Caleb with them!”

“That would be fun,” Yasha commented, rearranging her cards in her hand. “Now that I know how to play a little more I think I might be able to win.”

“Yeah,” Fjord agreed hollowly, picking up the cards he was dealt. “Fun.”

He lost the round.

(Fjord couldn’t stop thinking about Caleb.)

(He had to tell him that he knew, keeping it secret would only make things worse.)

It wasn’t long before Beau was coming back into the room too.

“Ooooh cards,” she drawled. “Deal me in, Jester.”

(Just like that, as if Caleb hadn’t bared his darkest secrets to her just minutes before.)

(But Caleb trusted her.)

(The way he would never trust Fjord. Not after what had happened.)

And then the room service was coming in, along with Mollymauk, who was in nothing but his tapestry and who seemed to be done with his masseuses for the night.

“I am your god, long may I reign,” he proclaimed, stepping in with the remnants of his own fruit platter. “Eat from my fruits.”

With everything he’d just heard, Fjord didn’t think he could stomach any of the food they had ordered.

“They actually brought the cooked rats,” Yasha smiled, pulling the plate with two rats on it closer to herself.

“Too bad Nott already went to bed,” Jester lamented, carefully choosing a cookie from the array they brought her.

“Caleb probably went to bed without eating too,” Fjord sighed aloud. He glanced over at the rat plate, then at the fruit platter and the cookie tray.

(Maybe, just maybe, he might get some time with Caleb after all.)

* * *

He stood outside of room six, a plate with a rat in one hand and another laden with some grapes, an apple, some slices of mango, and half a dozen cookies, some chocolate chip, one or two oatmeal raisin, and some other flavors that Jester had been telling him about as he’d piled the plate up for Caleb.

Beau had tried to dissuade him from coming, telling him that Nott had said she was going to bed and that Caleb had already gone to sleep too, but Fjord had just taken it in stride, telling her that he was going to at least try. Beau hadn’t told him anything after that.

So here he was, outside Caleb’s door. Before he could lose his nerve, he moved to balance the rat plate on his forearm, freeing up his hand, and knocked.

No response.

“I’ve got some food for you both, from the things that got ordered from room service,” Fjord said, knocking a second time.

Still, nothing.

He sighed, dropping his gaze and seeing that there was a light still on inside. “I see that your lights are still on.” He moved to grab the plate again, just to make sure he didn’t accidentally drop it. There was the shift of a shadow inside, but nothing more than that.

“Nott? I’ve got your rat,” Fjord tried, hoping that this might finally do it. “Yasha said hers was mighty tasty.”

Caleb might not care about himself, but he cared about Nott. He wouldn’t keep her from eating.

(And Fjord would try his damndest to get Caleb to eat too.)

The shadow returned, disappearing for a second as quiet whispers could be heard inside. There was a shift once more before the door finally opened.

To Fjord’s surprise, it was actually Caleb. He looked tired, the bags under his eyes more pronounced.

(His eyes were puffy and red from crying. It made the blue of his eyes stand out even more.)

He tried to keep from staring too much.

(Tried and failed, again. He was always staring at Caleb, and that was on a good day.)

(And today, with all his worries and fears and the urge to keep him safe? He was definitely,  _ definitely _ staring.)

“Yes, Fjord?” Caleb said finally after Fjord had failed to say anything. He shuffled a bit on his feet, the intensity of Fjord’s eyes on him making him nervous.

“Oh, yeah, um,” Fjord nodded, holding the plates out to him. “Food,” he said, eloquently as always.

Caleb’s lips twitched with the ghost of a smile.

(That was all it took for any other sort of eloquence to fly out the window for Fjord.)

Nott poked out from under Caleb’s arm, her eyes brightening when she saw the rat. “Thanks, Fjord,” she smiled, grabbing the plate from him and ducking back into the room.

“Yes, ah,” Caleb began, watching as Nott left with a fond expression. He turned back to Fjord, the fondness in his eyes still there, smoothing out the exhaustion from his features. He looked younger, less world weary, with that fondness shining in his eyes. “Thank you,” he said, reaching out and taking the platter of fruit and cookies from Fjord.

Their fingers brushed, just for a second.

(But that was all Fjord needed to jump start his brain again.)

“Hey, uh, Caleb,” he got out, right as Caleb had begun to step aside from the door, moving to shut it.

Caleb paused. “Yes?”

(Here he goes.)

“Could we talk? Just for a bit?” Fjord asks. And, like always, he quickly adds, “If that’s okay with you.”

Fjord expects Caleb to say no. He half expects him to shut the door in his face without another word. What he doesn’t expect is for Caleb to step aside, holding the door open for Fjord.

“Is that a…?” Fjord tentatively begins.

“Just for a bit,” Caleb answers.

“For a bit,” Fjord repeats. And he starts to move to step inside, already leaning forward, but before he can stop himself he turns slightly, pointing down the hall, and on a whim blurts out, “Is it okay if we talk in our room? So we can talk - just the two of us?” When Caleb doesn’t answer, he rushes out, “Molly’s not in there anymore. He’s over with the girls in their room now.” He feels himself grow a darker shade of green. “But it's just him, alone, and I mean they’re not  _ doing _ anything like what he did with the masseuses, they’re just playing cards and eating but honestly I don’t even know in what state Molly even left the room in -” And he manages to miraculously cut himself off.

Caleb has his head cocked a little, watching him intently, but that fond look is there.

(Fjord hopes that that’s a good sign.)

From behind him, Nott pipes up, “I’m up for a bit of a game of cards.” She stands from where she’d been sitting, her rat already half eaten. “And I also have to tell Yasha that cooked rat is delicious.” She looks at Caleb. “Unless we’re going to bed now?”

The question is loaded, that much is clear.

“I’m not going to bed yet,” Caleb tells her. He gestures Fjord to come inside as Nott walks past them.

“Message me when you’re going to bed, or if you need anything,” Nott says, giving Caleb’s hand a tiny squeeze as she passes. Then she’s out of the room, closing the door behind her.

(Leaving Caleb and Fjord alone.)

Caleb sits down on the bed. Fjord stays standing where he is.

“So,” Caleb starts, picking up a cookie and breaking off a small piece to eat, all the while trying for casual. “What’s up?”

(It’s a pretty bad attempt, even for Caleb, and Fjord is sure that he’s looking at Caleb with that same fondness Caleb had in his eyes just seconds before.)

(But he has to focus, and to be able to do that and not lose his train of thought at all, that meant he had to get to the point quickly.)

“I know something’s wrong,” Fjord says. He catches the way Caleb freezes in his chewing. “Somethin’s been bothering you.”

Caleb swallows hard, clearing his throat before speaking. “I can assure you, everything is fine.” He’s staring resolutely at a spot on the ground, not looking at Fjord. An obvious lie.

“Look,” Fjord continues, taking a deep breath, his shoulders dropping on the exhale. “I, uh, overheard some stuff -”

And Caleb’s head whips up, and he’s looking at Fjord, his anxiety and fear clear on his face.

(He wasn’t sure how Caleb was going to take it when Fjord admit to what he overheard. It was a huge gamble.)

“I know that wasn’t right, but I've just been worried about you. First, there was that - that-” and now it’s Fjord’s turn to drop his gaze. “What happened at the Richter’s place,” he gets out.

He can see Caleb’s hands from the corner of his eye, can see the way they clenched into fists to keep the tremors from being obvious.

“And then there was that thing,” Fjord keeps going, glancing up at Caleb, “that thing when you were listening to Yasha and Beau talk to those men the Starosta pointed out to us. I saw how you shut down, Caleb.” And he remembers when they were in the manticore cave, fighting the monster and the mage. “It was like with the manticore, when you just -” He sighs, “You just shut down.”

Caleb isn’t looking at Fjord anymore, he’s looking at some spot right above Fjord’s shoulder, his expression now unreadable.

(Here goes his biggest gamble.)

“I overheard you talking to Beau, and, uh, Nott,” Fjord carefully begins. “I heard - I heard you talk about before the Might Nein.”

“What did you hear, exactly?” Caleb asked, keeping his voice steady.

“It was a lot,” Fjord admitted, dropping his gaze.

“Fjord,” Caleb whispered, voice shaking as he stood from the bed. “What did you hear?”

“You asked Nott if she would leave with you tomorrow -” Fjord said.

(His stomach twisted - the possibility of Caleb and Nott leaving now looming over them like a shroud that kept growing the more Fjord talked.)

“- and up until you told Beau that your leaving depended on if she could keep a secret,” Fjord finished.

There was absolute silence for what felt like an eternity.

(Fjord didn’t want to look at Caleb. He was afraid of what he would see.)

( _ Of course Fjord wasn’t looking at him. Why would he ever want to look at a monster. _ )

“So you heard everything?” Caleb says quietly.

“Yes,” Fjord nods.

“My parents?” Caleb whispers, the words barely even there at all.

Fjord closes his eyes. “Yes.”

Another pause, then, “So now you know I’m a monster.”

“Caleb, what?” Fjord asked, snapping his eyes back to Caleb, seeing the unreadable expression chip around the edges, catching the fear and sadness and pain lying underneath.

“I am a monster,” he repeated, and the mask chipped away even more as his eyes welled with tears. “I can’t be trusted. I’ve harmed people,” and that echoes back to just a few days ago, after they had killed the spider and Caleb had pulled him aside to gift him the armor with the he had found after they fought it.

“Caleb, you’re not a monster,” Fjord took a step towards Caleb.

(He remembered the way Caleb had smiled, something small and private just for him, how he’d said that he would love for Fjord to have the armor.)

(Someone who was still capable of doing little things like that for others could never be a monster.)

“But I  _ am _ , Fjord!” Caleb countered.

(And the way he said Fjord’s name broke his heart.)

“I can’t be trusted. My parents were so, so kind to me, I loved them so much, and they loved me and - and,” he cut himself off, taking a stuttering breath as he tried to keep himself from dissolving into tears.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Fjord said, his voice full of reassuring conviction.

Caleb shook his head, closing his eyes. There were tears running down his face. “It was, Fjord. I’m a fucking monster.”

“You’re not,” Fjord repeated, stepping closer to Caleb.

“I am! I’m not only a reckless thief that puts us in danger,” Caleb said brokenly as he dropped to his knees, almost shrinking as he wrapped his arms around himself. “I’m a murderer. A monster.”

“You - Caleb - you,” Fjord began, kneeling right in front of Caleb and struggling to find the right words. He put a gentle hand on Caleb’s shoulder. “You’re not a monster.”

Caleb flinched at the touch, but didn’t pull away. “I am,” he repeated again.

“No, Caleb. You’re not,” Fjord told him. He took a deep breath.

(He didn’t like what he had to say next, but he knew it was better than trying to lie or come up with some other kind of bullshit words to say.)

(Right now Caleb needed Fjord to be as genuine as possible. He had to be.)

“I think most of us have blood on our hands,” he started, picking his words carefully. “We’ve done things we’re not proud of - killed, Caleb.” He gave Caleb’s shoulder a tiny squeeze. “And while it might sound like I’m splitting hairs, I don’t believe we’re murderers. We’ve just got blood on our hands.”

“But my - my parents,” Caleb whispered.

(The tightness in Fjord’s chest threatened to unravel him completely.)

“I’m not going to lie to you, Caleb. What happened was,” he sighed, letting his thumb rub against Caleb’s shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting manner. “It was fucked up, Caleb.” He could feel Caleb stiffen in his hold. “But it wasn’t your fault. You’re just as much a victim as they were.” His free hand balled into a fist on his lap. “I might even argue that you’re more of a victim, carrying that kind of guilt on your conscience.”

“I would argue against that point,” Caleb whispered.

(Fjord felt some of the heaviness of the room, of the conversation, some of the darkness that loomed over them disappear.)

“‘Course you would,” Fjord said with a small smile. He grew serious again, “Caleb, I just want you to know that I’m right here with you.” He put his other hand over Caleb’s, not holding his hand exactly and more so just giving him another point of physical reassurance. “I’m here for you. And I know you’re not a monster. You’re,” Fjord took a shaky breath, feeling the lump in his throat make his breath catch. “You’re a good person, that has had bad, bad things happen to them.”

Caleb’s hand hesitantly turns until it’s palm up, his fingers almost threading together with Fjord’s. But he pulled his hand away abruptly, looking up at Fjord. “You need to stay away from me, Fjord. You - you all do.”

Fjord pulled his hand back, letting his other hand drop from Caleb’s shoulder.

(He blinked back tears, trying to hold it together. He could cry later when he was in his room and Molly was asleep. It was only a matter of time before Caleb finally told him to leave him alone after the way he’d threatened him.)

“Do you want me to stay away from you?” Fjord asked.

Caleb shook his head infinitesimally before nodding, then shrugging half heartedly. “I only hurt the people I love,” Caleb whispered, staring down at his hands. “I-I can’t do that - I don’t want to hurt  _ y- _ you guys.”

“Oh, Caleb,” Fjord breathed.

(Of course that’s why he said that.)

He slowly put a hand under Caleb’s chin, lifting his head so that he would look at him. “Are you afraid you’ll hurt us?”

“Yes,” Caleb nodded, closing his eyes. “I am so,  _ so _ afraid of that.”

“You don’t have to be afraid of that, Caleb,” Fjord assured him, resting his other hand on Caleb’s again. “We’re a team. We’ve all got each other’s back.” He gave Caleb’s hand a small squeeze. “I trust you to have our backs, too. You’ve just got to trust yourself now.”

Caleb shook his head, looking away. “I have good reason not to trust myself - and I know you don’t trust me either,” Caleb said. “You should have just put me down at the Richter’s place, just put me down with the falchion.” He turned back to Fjord, finally breaking into a sob. “But you were kind, Fjord. I was going to die and - and you could have left me there to die, but you didn’t.” He closed his eyes, wrapping his arms tightly around himself, pulling his hand out of Fjord’s. “You didn’t have to give me your potion to bring me back but you did. You kept me alive even though I don’t deserve it.”

(Fjord felt himself fill with shame and regret, but what made his heart break even more was hearing about how Caleb felt about it, the way he’d taken it.)

He responded on instinct. He pulled Caleb in, holding him tight, wrapping his arms around him as Caleb sobbed. “I’m so sorry, Caleb,” Fjord whispered.

Caleb shook his head, crying into Fjord’s chest.

“I’m so sorry for how I handled things back there,” Fjord said, his own voice breaking. He tightened his hold on Caleb. “I shouldn’t have reacted like that, I should have never pulled the falchion on you.” He closed his eyes. “I’m so sorry I didn’t think things through.”

“N-no,” Caleb sobbed. “You did what y-you should have done.”

(Fjord couldn’t take it anymore.)

“Caleb, no,” Fjord growled, grabbing Caleb by the shoulders and pushing him back until he could look him in the face again. “I shouldn’t have done that. You don’t deserve that. You’re my friend and I care about you more than you could ever imagine, and I shouldn’t have acted like that and I’m sure as hell not going to sit here and let you think you deserve being treated that way.”

They stared at each other, both in tears. Fjord still had his hands on Caleb’s shoulders, and Caleb had his fists balled in the front of Fjord’s shirt.

“Oh, Fjord,” Caleb whispered.

(And he said his name with that accent, that pull to his name.  _ Fyord _ , not Fjord. The way Caleb said his name warmed him the way no whiskey ever could and it made his heart squeeze in his chest.)

“Thank you.”

Fjord pulled him back into his arms, hugging him tight again. “You don’t have to thank me, Caleb,” he said, voice low. He could feel Caleb trembling against him. He pressed his lips to Caleb’s forehead, then tucked Caleb’s head into the crook of his neck. “I’m always going to help keep you safe. I promise.”

Caleb pressed closer to Fjord, nodding against his skin. “I promise I will do my best to keep you safe as well.” He took a shaky breath, still hiccupping as his sobs slowly receded. “Fjord?”

“Yeah?’ Fjord said, rubbing Caleb’s back soothingly.

“Promise me that you’ll keep everyone safe from me. That you’ll keep yourself safe from me.”

_ (Fjord tried to pull away, most likely to look Caleb in the eyes and argue that that wouldn’t be necessary.) _

_ (But he just had to be sure.) _

_ (He trusted Fjord enough to ask that of him.) _

Caleb refused to budge, holding onto Fjord tighter as he continued, “Only if necessary, that is.”

“That won’t be -” Fjord argued.

“Please, Fjord,” Caleb whispered. His hands tightened in their hold of Fjord’s shirt. “I trust you. I know you’ll be able to keep everyone safe from me, even myself, if necessary.”

Fjord was quiet for a few beats, but eventually he nodded. “I promise, Caleb.”

They stayed like that, on the ground, just holding each other, until Caleb’s tears had finally run dry.

(He would be okay. Fjord would make sure of it.)

Giving Caleb a soft pat on the back, Fjord slowly pulled away. “Time for bed?” he asked. “I think we need to get some rest after everything today.”

Caleb nodded, wiping a hand down his face. “Yeah, okay.”

They pulled away from each other, shakily getting to their feet.

Fjord took a step back, towards the door, as Caleb sat on the bed.

“Goodnight, Caleb,” he said, moving for the door.

He felt a hand on his, holding him loosely.

(The gentlest of shakes would be enough to break free.)

“Could you, ah,” Caleb slowly began. “Would you be okay staying here tonight - with me?”

Caleb looked so nervous asking, his shoulders stiff, his gaze on the ground.

(Fjord wanted to scoop him into his arms again, tell him that he would stay anywhere with Caleb, reassure him that he would always stay for him.)

“As long as I’m not being a bother,” Fjord answered.

“You’re never a bother,” Caleb quickly got out. “I can sleep on the ground.”

“None of that now,” Fjord told him. “I can sleep on the ground if you’d feel more comfortable that way.”

“I-I could share the bed,” Caleb stuttered out. He finally looked up at Fjord again. “I don’t mind sharing with you.”

(Fjord felt his chest grow warm.)

“Then scoot over,” Fjord smiled.

And while it should have been awkward as they shuffled around, trying to get comfortable beneath the sheets, they fit together easily.

( _ As easily as breathing. _ )

Caleb hesitantly curled up against Fjord, letting Fjord wrap his arms around him. Fjord could still feel the way Caleb’s chest still shuddered, his sob lingering but fading as he held him. He rubbed Caleb’s back softly.

(He would keep him safe.)

“Night, Caleb,” Fjord whispered.

“Goodnight, Fjord,” Caleb answered, his breath ghosting across Fjord’s throat.

Fjord smiled and let the warm feelings soothe over all the fear and anxiety of the evening, and he let himself drift off with Caleb in his arms.

(And in the split second before he finally fell asleep, his head caught up with his heart, realizing that Caleb was afraid of hurting the group - of hurting him - because he hurt the people he loved - that meant that Caleb loved them.)

(Then sleep pulled him under, stealing the realization from Fjord, and leaving it as nothing more than a hazy feeling when he woke up holding Caleb in the morning.)

* * *

“This means we’re staying together, though?” Beau asked the next day as they were all making plans on how to best leave the city.

( _ Caleb didn’t miss the way her eyes were on him as she said it _ .)

“Oh, I thought yes, that was a given, right?” Jester answered, looking around at the group. “I mean we all work so well together.”

“I like it,” Molly shrugged.

“ _ Ja _ ,” Caleb said quietly, subtly for Fjord’s hand beside him. He gave it a small squeeze. “I agree.”

“We make really good roommates,” Jester gushed.

Beau nodded, a satisfied grin on her face, “We do make  _ suuuch  _ good roommates.”

“Well, Beau, do you want us to stay together?” Nott asked.

Fjord tugged gently on Caleb’s hand, bringing him the tiniest bit closer. “I want us to stay together,” he whispered.

Pink began to dust Caleb’s cheeks, and he squeezed Fjord’s hand one more time before letting go.

(That look was great on Caleb. It made Fjord want to pull him into his arms again.)

“I think we make a good team,” Beau answered.

Caleb peeked over at Fjord, giving him a small smile.

(Something shifted in Fjord’s chest, and he hoped Caleb felt it too.)

Beau knocked her shoulder to Yasha’s. “I think there’s more to be had here.”

(Yeah, Fjord agreed. There is more to be had here.)

“Alright,” Nott nodded, satisfied with Beau’s answer. She turned to Caleb, smiled at him and pulled his attention to her.

(Fjord watched Caleb and Nott, saw how much they cared for each other translate even through simple conversation.)

(He did feel like there was more to be had here, but for now he was satisfied with this, with his team and keeping them safe.)

(And he was happy to see where things led, with Caleb, hopeful for that future even, but he was going to take things slow. All he knew was that he had Caleb’s back, no matter what. He would keep him safe from the things that haunted him from his past.)

Caleb glanced over Nott’s head, the fondness and warmth in his eyes now there for Fjord.

(Yeah, he was hopeful for wherever things led.)

( _ And he hoped Fjord felt the same way _ .)

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! It was so much fun to write for them again and work with parenthesis, idk I just feel like parenthesis asides suit them so well. I really hope you liked it, and I sure do hope i'm back and writing for Critical Role soon. And I'll finish up my Avengers: Redemption series soon too! And get around to finishing and publishing that Grog/Reader fic too!
> 
> so many plans, so little time, but alas that's how it is on the mortal coil
> 
> love you all so much, and once again thank you for reading!
> 
> This fic was inspired by these scenes:  
Midnight Espionage | Critical Role | Campaign 2, Episode 12 - 3:48:27 and 3:55:04  
Harvest Close | Critical Role | Campaign 2, Episode 17 - 43:07  
Whispers of War | Critical Role | Campaign 2, Episode 18 - 1:22:52, 2:11:05, 2:31:34, 2:44:00, and 3:56:26 (basically this whole episode tbh)


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